The fifth episode of our podcast features a letter I penned to Oprah in the nineties. In it, I beg her for an athletic makeover.

For real.

Wacky as this is, in my fourth decade, I still had hope that with a little training, some diligence and a positive attitude, I could actually complete – maybe even compete in – some sort of physical activity. I thought the queen of daytime TV could overhaul the queen of klutz.

During the podcast, when Hilary cold-reads the letter and I hear my words, my cadence, my voice, I can’t quite digest that I seriously invested the time to craft a persuasive tome to Oprah.

Decades later, definitely still klutzy but perhaps no longer delusional, I know not even Oprah and her stable of experts could have improved my horseback riding, roller skating, skiing, running, swimming, jump-roping, hula hooping, dancing, tubing, or any other footloose skill I longed to possess.

Because that would take an Extreme Makeover: Klutz Edition.

Ty Pennington, Have I got an idea for you.